Madame Parvenu's Social Climbing Horoscope

Find out what the stars have to say
about your social life this month.

No matter how flush you think you are, money problems are on the horizon. It’s too late to start pinching pennies. Be practical- before your credit cards are cancelled go directly to Chanel and get a new wardrobe and/or rent a Ferrari. Remember, members of the one percent only loan money to those who look like they don’t need it. Look good and take the right Big Fish for a ride and you might not have to take your clothes off to get someone to keep you in the lifestyle your accustomed to but cant afford.

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Taurus

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Was there a fabulous Halloween party your friends were invited to but you weren’t? Stop feeling sorry for yourself and face the fact that you aren’t as fabulous as you were last month. What others say about you isn’t true if you don’t want it to be, but don’t get lazy. November is your month for re-invention. Dye your pubic hair red, wax a new a part your body and tell your friends your having an affair with a Russian billionaire you never met. Give people something new and novel to gossip about you, and you will be more popular and feel better about yourself.

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Gemini

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If you think your friends are calling you superficial behind your back, they probably are. But stop being paranoid and start making them feel guilty for misjudging you. Let them brag about good deeds like adopting a three-legged dog or volunteering to do the flowers for charity balls. Then, put them in their place by casually mentioning that you have decided to donate part of your liver to a distant alcoholic cousin with a vineyard Provence…and hope your friends try to talk you out of it.

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Cancer

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If everything in your life seems to be falling into place and your friend group keeps telling you what a great person you are, it’s time to stop basking in your adulation and start worrying. If your friends think you’re that great there must to be something wrong with them. “Nice” people are rarely fabulous, accomplished and/or talented. It’s your month to get ambitious and make friends with the somebodies who didn’t think you were cool enough to hang out with. Don’t be intimidated by those who have snubbed you. Be witty, charming and deliberately rude, and people in high places will think you have balls even if you don’t.

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Yes you’ve upgraded your social set this fall, but are you just another guest at their smart parties or are you the smartest, wittiest, most fabulous person in the room? You know your average, but they don’t. Start carrying a copy of the Odyssey in your pocket or purse, memorize a go-to Shakespeare quote, drop the word accismus into any and all conversations and by Thanksgiving you will be mistaken for the most intelligent person in the room, unless of course there’s another Leo at the party who has read this horoscope.

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Your body is your temple, but last month you desecrated it. If you’re spare tire is getting in the way of your downward dog, you are not going to feel the love this fall…or fit into your pants. Snap out of your Halloween haze and stop binging on leftover candy. This is your month to embrace the spiritual side of the superficial and retreat to Kripalu. Follow your stars this month and you just might awaken to oneness or better yet great the dawn next to a gluten-free, yoga billionaire with a Learjet.

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Your spending too much time worrying about how other people feel. If your significant other accuses you of putting more time into your job than your relationship, tell him/her the truth. If he/she were better in bed, you would spend more time in it. This month Pluto and Saturn have positioned you to have your cake and eat it too. Start flirting with senior management and/or your clients and you’ll soon discover that there is fun and profit to be had getting busy with spreadsheets between the sheets.

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Scorpio

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Happy Birthday Mr./Ms. Narcissist. It’s time to start reminding people that you’re every bit as irresistible as you think you are. Yes, people are talking about you, but are they fantasizing about you? Get back to being sexy. Write hot love letters to yourself that contain explicit and flattering descriptions of a part of your anatomy that never sees the sun and leave them in places where your friends will be sure to snoop and read them. Once the rumors start swirling act embarrassed and enjoy the attention.

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Sagittarius

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As Venus enters Sagittarius you will become acutely aware of all of materialistic things you want but don’t have and can’t afford. Yes it’s embarrassing driving a leased BMW when your friends have Bentleys. If you start pretending you don’t care about material goods, you just might find a Corniche under your Hanukkah bush/X-mas tree. There is sugar mommy/daddy out there who will be attracted by your feigned disinterest in the status symbols you care so deeply about.

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Capricorn

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A good friend will seek your advice about his/her love life. If they are getting engaged to someone you know that has a secret sordid past, be careful. Remember, in affairs of the heart, honesty is rarely the best policy. Know that if you reveal the dirty truth about his/her fiancé, you’ll both lose a friend and more importantly miss out on the wedding. Be sensible, discrete, make a tearful toast about their love lasting forever…and hope that your friend’s new spouse doesn’t feel the need to confess that his/her sordid past is you!

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Aquarius

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You’re a water sign and Neptune’s retrograde will inspire inner reflection this month. But don’t lose sight of the fact that superficiality is one of your strong points. Yes it’s fun to look in the mirror, but are you too fabulous for your own good? Someone is thinking about inviting you somewhere exotic and hot and expensive, but they’re worried that when they are lying next to you on the beach they’ll look like a beached whale. Pig out at Thanksgiving, put on a few Lbs. and open your mind to a full figured future.

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Pisces

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Have you noticed that your most important friends are not answering your calls and haven’t sent you any friendly Emojis lately? Did you get downgraded to the potty seat the last time you hobnobbed your way onto your favorite whale friend’s private jet? If the movers and shakers are avoiding you, it can only be one of two things. Either you need to change your deodorant or stop trying so hard. It’s time to flip it. Send you heart felt regrets to any and all invites for the next two weeks. Wait four days to respond to all texts. Sometimes you have to treat them mean to keep them keen and next month they’ll be sucking up to you.

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Social Climber of The Week

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Social Climbing Tip of The Week

  • Tip Week #1

    Everyone makes mistakes; when you wake up next to one, do not panic.

  • Tip Week #2

    Proper etiquette for the social climber involves far more than saying “please” and “thank you.” It begins with remembering to kiss all four of your hosts cheeks.

  • Tip Week #3

    As Coco Chanel said, dress as you wish to be perceived. First and foremost, the successful social climber always looks like they belong even when they don’t.

  • Tip Week #4

    Never be overdressed, for the simple reason that it will make it clear how hard you’re trying to be something you’re not.

  • Tip Week #5

    The era when an accent could hinder your climb is fortunately behind us. Sounding as if you come from somewhere when you come from nowhere can be a plus.

  • Tip Week #6

    Telling people they look gorgeous when in fact they’re an eyesore or praising them for being wise when they have the intelligence of a cocker spaniel doesn’t make you a phony, it makes you a kind person.

  • Tip Week #7

    No truth is absolute, all truths are subjective, and reality is a matter of perception, so honesty rarely the best policy.

  • Tip Week #8

    The only question you should ask when bending the rules to advance yourself is, WILL I GET CAUGHT?

  • Tip Week #9

    One of the safest ways to make it seem that you’ve lived a far more exciting life than you have is to name drop the dead.

  • Tip Week #10

    Put yourself in a social petri dish where great things will happen to you and the sky is the limit.

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