Are you ready to start climbing?

To find out if you are ready to start social climbing, answer the following multiple choice questions. Please be honest. Though lying will often improve your social position in the world, it will not help us get a clear picture of your social skills and aptitude. Remember: If you are on prescription mood-enhancing medication and/or regularly self-medicate, get your buzz on at least 30 minutes before answering the following questions. In order for us to help you change your life, we need to be honest with one-another about just how fucked-you are.

Visiting this website makes you feel…

  • Ashamed and embarrassed because you feel bad about all the sleazy things you have already done to get ahead in life.

  • Excited because The Social Climber’s Bible will teach you ways to climb faster and higher than you ever dreamed possible.

  • Grateful that someone has finally had the courage and honesty to break the chains of hypocrisy and shame that have prevented closet socials climbers like yourself from taking pride in their accomplishments.

When you drive by an exclusive club that you have heard only accepts members that are famous, celebrities and/or worth over 100 million dollars, how do you feel?

  • Angry and offended because exclusive clubs are undemocratic, should be against the law and you wouldn’t belong to one even if they offered you a free membership.

  • Mad at yourself for saying no to the troll who asked you to prom, who is now an internet Gillionaire and just drove through the gates in his Convertible Bently with your cousin.

  • Excited because you know if you could just get past the gate your charm and intelligence would dazzle a member into offering you a job small-minded people might say you are unqualified for.

If you were invited to a party where there was a 1 in 50 chance of you meeting someone who you could brag about having met for the rest of your life, i.e. the Pope, Queen Elizabeth, George Soros or Angelina Jolie, how far would you travel to get there in an un-airconditioned bus with a broken toilet.

  • 5 miles

  • 500 miles

  • 5,000 miles

Your “favorite person in the world” is someone who…

  • Brings you homemade chicken soup and borrows money from you but doesn’t pay you back.

  • Always invites you to fantastic parties, but never expects a thank you note.

  • Introduces you to glamorous people, treats you to expensive dinners/vacations and doesn’t expect you to sleep with them.

Which of the following turns you on the most?

  • A man/woman with a sexy brain.

  • A man/woman with a sexy brain and a gorgeous body.

  • A sexy brain and a gorgeous body plus a billion dollars and at that point you’d be turned on whether they were a man, woman, transgender or a hermaphrodite.

You arrive at a cocktail party where you don’t know anyone. What do you do?

  • Get bombed and flirt with the hot bartender or waitress.

  • Search out someone who looks like as much of a loser as you feel, in the hopes that by standing next to them, you will look like a winner.

  • Latch on to the most obviously popular and successful person at the party and follow them from room to room, because even if they are trying to ditch you everyone else will perceive you as inseparable old pals.

Who are you most likely to namedrop?

  • Someone who you have known for years and who you admire for doing charitable good deeds.

  • Someone who throws charity galas and raises hundreds of millions of dollars for good causes.

  • A recently deceased celebrity friend, you never actually met, who died from the disease the charity benefit you are attending is raising money to find a cure for.

When a friend of yours spends years sucking up to a loathsome bore who happens to be on the board of Harvard in order to get their otherwise unacceptable kid accepted, your first instinct is to…

  • Call the asslicker up and tell them they represent everything that is wrong with America.

  • Call your own deadbeat parents and ask them why they didn’t love you enough to suck up to somebody who could get you into Harvard.

  • Congratulate them on their great networking skills and ask them to introduce you to the bore, so you can get your kid into Harvard.